Coping with grief at Christmas

Individuals cope with loss in their own way and in their own time. Special times of year like Christmas and other anniversaries of special times in the bereaved person’s life can emphasize the loss and acute feelings of grief can return.

It may be a certain smell, or a visit to a favourite place or just the meeting of loved ones and the memory of happier times. Grief returns in ‘waves’ if you like, even though the individual may feel that it has been put behind them.

The loss of a partner where a strong close bond has existed is often the hardest to bear, especially when a couple have been devoted to each other.

There is no magical answer on how to cope, and what may help someone may be of no use at all to someone else. The closer to the death event, the more acute the feelings of loss. The inability to deal with life and other people’s happiness can be overwhelming.

The general population getting into the Christmas spirit or other family members and friends wanting to get on with life at the normal pace can well result in feelings of total isolation and indeed panic.

Here are a few tips, one or more of which might help at any time when grief becomes overwhelming.

• Anxiety can cause you to hold your breath which in turn depletes your body of oxygen. If you catch yourself doing this, ‘just breathe’ – sounds simple doesn’t it? Just sit and become aware of your breathing and try to do so slowly.
  The theory is that the oxygen slows the heart and lowers blood pressure which makes you more relaxed. It can give you a sense of calm.
  If you want to take if further, look into relaxing and different breathing techniques (yoga and meditation etc).
  
• Being busy allows you to re-focus. Ideally, this would be on something that requires coordination like baking, DIY or crafts. Things to take your mind off grief will mean you are less likely to dwell on the past. If you are able to join in social activities with others it may also give you a break from grieving thoughts. Remember, if you continually decline invitations, you will stop being asked.
  
• Don’t pretend everything is okay when it’s not. Acknowledge you are grieving and incorporate the loss. One example would be to take the opportunity to attend a memorial service and to perhaps light a candle for your loved one. Talk openly with family and friends as this also gives them permission to talk about the dead person so that you both can benefit.
  
• Sharing memories and including humour and happy memories are a wonderful way to heal. It is not a betrayal of a loved one if you laugh or smile, it simply brings people together and eases pain.
  
• Seeking help first requires you to realise that you need help. People rarely know how to handle grief and don’t know how they can help. They need to be told what you would find helpful.
  
• If you need space say so, if you want to go for a coffee with a friend tell them, if you don’t feel like cooking ask a friend to go for a meal with you or accept their offer to cook for you, stay over for a change of scene. If you want a hug ask for one. In other words be honest and let willing friends share the grief.
  
• The importance of talking can’t be emphasized enough. It doesn’t have to be about the deceased, it can be your thoughts and feelings. If you don’t have anyone to talk to, look into joining a self-help group for grief support or seek therapy (your GP is usually the first point of call). A safe space to share feelings and support from people who understand a measure of what you are going through can be invaluable.

When you lose someone close, things will never be the same again. But you do not have to suffer every Christmas – honour your loved one’s memory and find comfort in the people you have around you.