Coping with grief at Christmas

Individuals cope with loss in their own way and in their own time. Special times of year like Christmas and other anniversaries of special times in the bereaved person’s life can emphasize the loss and acute feelings of grief can return.

It may be a certain smell, or a visit to a favourite place or just the meeting of loved ones and the memory of happier times. Grief returns in ‘waves’ if you like, even though the individual may feel that it has been put behind them.

The loss of a partner where a strong close bond has existed is often the hardest to bear, especially when a couple have been devoted to each other.

There is no magical answer on how to cope, and what may help someone may be of no use at all to someone else. The closer to the death event, the more acute the feelings of loss. The inability to deal with life and other people’s happiness can be overwhelming.

The general population getting into the Christmas spirit or other family members and friends wanting to get on with life at the normal pace can well result in feelings of total isolation and indeed panic.

Here are a few tips, one or more of which might help at any time when grief becomes overwhelming.

• Anxiety can cause you to hold your breath which in turn depletes your body of oxygen. If you catch yourself doing this, ‘just breathe’ – sounds simple doesn’t it? Just sit and become aware of your breathing and try to do so slowly.
  The theory is that the oxygen slows the heart and lowers blood pressure which makes you more relaxed. It can give you a sense of calm.
  If you want to take if further, look into relaxing and different breathing techniques (yoga and meditation etc).
  
• Being busy allows you to re-focus. Ideally, this would be on something that requires coordination like baking, DIY or crafts. Things to take your mind off grief will mean you are less likely to dwell on the past. If you are able to join in social activities with others it may also give you a break from grieving thoughts. Remember, if you continually decline invitations, you will stop being asked.
  
• Don’t pretend everything is okay when it’s not. Acknowledge you are grieving and incorporate the loss. One example would be to take the opportunity to attend a memorial service and to perhaps light a candle for your loved one. Talk openly with family and friends as this also gives them permission to talk about the dead person so that you both can benefit.
  
• Sharing memories and including humour and happy memories are a wonderful way to heal. It is not a betrayal of a loved one if you laugh or smile, it simply brings people together and eases pain.
  
• Seeking help first requires you to realise that you need help. People rarely know how to handle grief and don’t know how they can help. They need to be told what you would find helpful.
  
• If you need space say so, if you want to go for a coffee with a friend tell them, if you don’t feel like cooking ask a friend to go for a meal with you or accept their offer to cook for you, stay over for a change of scene. If you want a hug ask for one. In other words be honest and let willing friends share the grief.
  
• The importance of talking can’t be emphasized enough. It doesn’t have to be about the deceased, it can be your thoughts and feelings. If you don’t have anyone to talk to, look into joining a self-help group for grief support or seek therapy (your GP is usually the first point of call). A safe space to share feelings and support from people who understand a measure of what you are going through can be invaluable.

When you lose someone close, things will never be the same again. But you do not have to suffer every Christmas – honour your loved one’s memory and find comfort in the people you have around you.

To cater or not to cater – choices and considerations

It is important that the bereaved do what suits them as a family and not just what they feel is expected.

There is no standard, though some families seem to find comfort in repeating what they have done previously.

Historically, catering would be done in the home of the deceased and was organised and provided by the ladies of the family. Good food (and drink if appropriate) was a mark of a good send off.

The trend nowadays seems to be away from the home setting, especially for larger gatherings – and pubs, hotels and church halls have all helped to facilitate this.

The funeral directors will normally have a list of venues that they can recommend, but, remember, their taste may not be yours, so a visit to the establishment is always a good idea.

Some options to consider

• No catering. This may be considered because of the deceased’s wishes. Also, the family might not want a get-together, they might be too few in number, or they may not have sufficient funds.
• Catering only for immediate family. Not a general invite. Perhaps a meal for a selected few or back to the deceased’s house for a cup of tea.
• Traditional home reception. A general invite, home catering or caterers providing the food and (optionally) service. This would perhaps suit smaller gatherings, but please consider whether the main mourners can cope (if it is in their home).
• Catering in an outside venue. Here we have lots of choice (though obviously at a greater cost) to suit different requirements.

When I was a funeral Director, I was involved in arranging funerals with a wide variety of solutions to the catering question such as:

• Light refreshments (tea and biscuits).
• Finger buffet with or without tea or coffee.
• Upgraded finger buffet to include for example: a sherry reception; hot soup and a roll; hot savouries; cakes and scones; sparkling wine; free bar.
• The provision of a sit-down meal at a local restaurant or hostelry.

Venues usually offer different menus that may be described as ‘funeral tea’, ‘breakfast buffet’, ‘afternoon tea’, or ‘champagne reception’ (for those wishing to push the boat out). Choices as to sandwich fillings and the type of savouries (traditional or spicy) are usually offered. As you can imagine, much can be customised to personal preferences.

Families sometimes feel it is appropriate to use establishments for the reception that the deceased frequented such as golf clubs or working men’s clubs. In some instances, I have known the whole funeral to be organised around the availability of the reception venue as the family felt that it was so important.

The main advantage of an outside venue, I feel, is that when the main mourners have had enough they can go home to a peaceful house that has not been disrupted with entertaining.

If you want to offer a general invitation to the reception, the person taking the funeral service can announce it for you. It can also be written on the back of the service sheets (if you are having them) along with the address and postcode of the venue.

As I’ve said, costs vary. In my locale, they start in the region of £7 per head at local pubs and increase with the standard of the venue and the provisions required.

Be aware that some venues charge for room hire on top of the catering. This is easily swallowed up if you are catering for large numbers and the price per head for the food is reasonable. On the other hand, if the numbers are small, it can make something that appears reasonable considerably more expensive. Also, waiter/waitress service may be an additional cost.

The payment for the reception can be settled directly by the family with the establishment or can be put on the Funeral Director’s invoice. Do check with your Funeral Director if this is part of their service and make sure it doesn’t entail extra costs.

How many do you book for? This can be tricky, as you often don’t know how many are coming when you are at the planning stage. You can usually make a booking for an approximate number and agree to confirm exact numbers a couple of days before the funeral, when you should have more of an idea.

People do have a tendency to over-cater but you know your family and friends. Much also depends on the time of the funeral service.

Plan for about two hours for the reception unless it is to spill over into an evening session.

Do you require a paper notice?

This is my opinion based on my 24 years' experience in the funeral service.

The death notice is placed in the Obituary or Death Notice section of the paper. It informs the public of the death of a person and of the funeral arrangements.

The first part of the notice may include;

• The date of death
• The age
• The circumstance (eg peacefully, suddenly) plus sometimes where the death occurred (eg at home, in hospital)
• Family members and their relationship to the deceased may also be mentioned
• The area that the deceased was from

The next section usually covers the funeral details (ie the venue date and time). Lastly the family’s special requests.

Traditionally notices included the term ‘Please accept this intimation’, which means anyone reading the notice is welcome to attend. If the deceased was Catholic, the notice may be structured with the starting term ‘Please pray for the repose of the soul’. These two traditions seem to have waned lately.

When I started in the funeral service, most families would chose to have a notice placed in the local paper, usually to run for one addition. A good proportion would also have an acknowledgement placed following the service. An acknowledgement allows the family to publicly express their appreciation for the help and support that was given up to and including the deceased’s death.

The advent of social media and the decline of newspaper sales has in my opinion led to changes in the placing of paper notices in this part of the world. Due to the improved methods of communication between family and friends some feel a paper notice is not necessary. The fact that some local papers are weekly and all have reduced circulation has endorsed the trend – even though some papers offer an online service to complement the publication of hard copy [see illustration from the Yorkshire Post].

The purpose of the death notice was to let people know of the death who would otherwise be hard to reach – such as distant family, friends and work colleagues. It seems a lot of elderly people still make it a habit to look over this section of the paper and still like to follow the tradition, but quite a few now scan online provision.

Social services and hospital bereavement offices will still place notifications if people die with no known family or friends.

Placing a notice

If a family want a death notice they can choose to do it for themselves or request the funeral director to do it on their behalf. The funeral director will usually help with the wording and give an estimate of cost.

It is a good idea to glance at previous copy before you place a notice as this will establish what is common practise. Some papers for example provide only lineage, others offer the choice of a box around the text. You sometimes have the choice of box decoration eg a rose, cross, scroll work. If available, these incur an extra cost.

Whoever places the notice with the paper is billed. The longer the notice and the more extras, the more expensive it will be.

The National papers are even more expensive, and it is for this reason that their death notices tend to be short.

The funeral director may have their own web pages and offer to put information out via Facebook or their own website.

Older generations tend to stick with tradition and many see the placing of a notice as part of the ritual of doing a funeral arrangement. This ritual may also include cutting out the paper clipping and keeping it with other memorabilia. I have known funeral directors acquire a copy of the paper and laminate the clipping on request but I am not sure if this is common practise.

Sympathy notices

Sympathy notices are placed in the Obituary section, usually under the main death notice when possible. They include a personal message and sometimes a short poem.

In the past I have placed as many as eight notices from various family members. It rarely happens nowadays to that extent.

Acknowledgements

This type of notice has also dwindled, and it seems in many cases families opt for sending a thank you card to those they especially wish to thank. This is more personal, as well as being cost affective.

Obituary notice

The term obituary refers to a written news report of a person’s life and is reserved for famous or newsworthy individuals. These are published free of charge and report the recent death of a person, typically along with an account of the person's life and information about the upcoming funeral.

Should Mourners Carry the Coffin?

The Funeral Director will arrange the transportation and handling of the coffin. Usually four coffin bearers are provided in the service charge. Sometimes, if the coffin is very heavy, six or more may be needed to handle it safely.

A coffin being carried into the funeral service looks very respectful and caring, but there are a number of considerations that must be made.

• Coffin weight. This is the combined weight of the deceased and the coffin (coffin weight starts from about 25kg and can increase considerably with size and construction, combined weight for someone of a small stature can easily exceed 16 stone, 100kg).
• The height of the team of bearers. Ideally they should be all the same height or at least pairings of similar height, the shorter pair carrying at the foot end of the coffin.
• The physical fitness of the bearers.
• Technique of carrying.
• The route of carrying. This must take into account any low doors, narrow aisles or uneven ground (such as that you’ll find in graveyards).
• The emotional state of those carrying. Mourners can be too distressed to undertake the task.

The Funeral Director will make an assessment and advise the family on the etiquette of the establishment or cemetery. Different Funeral Directors may have their own policy which may exclude their staff shouldering coffins, but most will oblige if it is possible and it has been requested.

If family members wish to participate, they will be advised by the Funeral Director. The family can choose to escort a wheeled bier or shoulder the coffin if weight permits. The Funeral Director usually asks for four or six family volunteers but there will be funeral professionals on hand to give instruction and advice. It should be noted that carrying will always be at your own risk.

Watching funerals in films gives the wrong impression. They will nearly always use an empty and specifically light coffin. In reality, it is much harder than it looks and backs and shoulders can easily be injured.

If families wish to carry themselves, they will require some advice from the Funeral Director. This usually takes place on the day of the funeral. The hardest parts of shouldering the coffin is the lift up to shoulder height and taking down to waist height again.

The funeral staff are trained thoroughly – initially with an empty coffin, then with a weighted one in a safe environment with help on hand. Quick verbal instruction at the back of the hearse is not quite the same!

It is usually easier to do at a crematorium service than in a church setting. This is because the coffin is taken from height (the hearse) and placed on the raised catafalque. That is provided that the crematorium doors are high enough to allow for the height of the bearers, the height of the coffin and the height of any flowers on top. The Funeral Director will advise and may suggest that the flowers are taken in separately.

A coffin carried well looks really good and shows care a respect but it should not be undertaken lightly.

History

For anyone interested, here’s a bit of history on the subject as far as England is concerned.

Traditionally, a coffin up until the 15^th century, was carried at waist height. Then a new-fangled bier was invented which took the form of a slatted wooden structure with integral handles and legs. Bear in mind that the method of disposal involved burial and often carrying the coffin quite a distance. This new contraption allowed for setting the coffin down at the church lychgate, in the church or at the graveside in a neat manner.

Prior to this, churches had always provided coffin stools which some still do.

As roads and paths improved, wheeled versions of the bier were eventually to be developed. In the 17^th century, the better surface meant that shouldering coffins became de rigueur.

Poor people or servants of the deceased were selected for the task. In some cases, when epidemics were rife (eg the 1641 great plague), bodies weren’t encoffined but simply shrouded.

Family mourners would walk behind in procession carrying rosemary to ward off the smell.

Churches nowadays usually provide coffin stools, but the Funeral Director makes a decision based on health and safety as to whether the coffin will be carried or moved on a wheeled bier. If a wheeled bier is used, it can be left in place during the service in place of the stools.

Advantages of the wheeled bier are:

• It is a purpose-built piece of equipment to allow the safe transportation of a coffin.
• The people handling the coffin are at a lower risk of injury.
• It is much safer over uneven ground (eg church flagstoned paths or uneven pathways in cemeteries).
• Negotiating low doors and narrow routes.

A few decades ago, Funeral Directors would try to always have the coffin carried, and some still do. However, it is a fact that the population is getting taller and heavier. Not all funerals are for the frail and elderly.

The industry is moving towards the use of the equipment specifically designed to move a coffin safely and away from shouldering. This is to protect their employees from injury (and possible litigation!).

Coffin Contents and Decoration

Families can choose how they wish to present their loved one’s coffin. Most families choose some type of floral arrangement (see my previous blog). Other things that can be considered are usually representative of the person. Having flowers doesn’t exclude other memorabilia – a combination is often chosen.

Families may choose to have a photograph of the deceased. This can be stood on the coffin (if it is in a frame with a stand), or leant up against a coffin placed on the catafalque at the crematorium. If the photograph is very large, it may be better displayed separately on an easel, table or shelf depending on the venue’s facilities. Some families choose to have more than one photo, and may even include family photos or ones of family members who have already passed away.

Deceased with military connections or who are particularly patriotic may ask for the coffin to be draped in a flag. When a deceased has won medals, they can be displayed on a medal cushion. Flags and medal cushions can sometimes be provided by the Funeral Director, or the family can provide their own.

During a Catholic service in church, the coffin is sometimes covered by the pall (a cloth covering from the Latin Pallium, a cloak) that is the property of the church. The flowers are removed and placed to one side, then the cloth is ceremoniously unfolded onto the coffin and the priest places a bible and cross on top of it. At the end of the service in church, the ceremony is repeated in reverse and the flowers placed back on the coffin lid for its journey onwards.

In some funeral celebrations, the family request a candle lighting ceremony. If this is the case, the celebrant will provide the candle. It should be noted that in order to comply with Health and Safety regulations, a lit candle must be an electric one. The celebrant positions the candle at the start of the service and removes it at the end.

Other items positioned on the coffin can be very varied. I have seen soft toys, alcohol, drinking glasses, hats, leather jackets, golf clubs, cricket bats, ceremonial jackets and so on. I once had a family that was very keen on vegetables and we had a lovely selection placed in a basket on the coffin.

Sometimes it follows that items that are not allowed by law to be placed inside a coffin are placed on top, or it may just be that the family wish to retain the item.

If a burial is taking place, most things are allowed. The official exception being cremated remains in the coffin. The deceased can be dressed in whatever the family wish, including shoes and belts. I have known them have lighters, trinkets, electrical goods, glass, alcohol, cuddly toys and the rest.

In the case of cremation, it is different in that the crematoria in Great Britain have to comply with the Clean Air Act. Their emissions are monitored by computers. The Funeral Director has to complete official paperwork stating that the coffin and contents comply with the standards and it is their responsibility to advise their clients what is and what is not allowed.

In my area, leather isn’t allowed nor synthetic materials, glass or anything which may explode. If a deceased has been fitted with a pacemaker, it must be removed either by the hospital, or if the death occurred in the community, the Funeral Director will arrange for it to be done.

The cremation authorities vary in their interpretation of the law. Some will not allow a deceased to wear their own clothes for cremation, allowing only shrouds.

If families sneak cremated remains into a coffin which is to be cremated, it should be noted that they will be discovered at the end of the cremation process. Cremated remains are very dense (being highly reduced) and, as such, their form is not altered by a second cremation and they are recognisable for what they are. Serious questions would be asked! Families who wish to put deceased together are advised to mix the remains after two separate cremations.

Deceased can be cremated in their jewellery, but it should be noted that jewellery is destroyed by the intense temperatures of the process. It is then separated from the ash and either disposed of in an environmentally friendly way by the crematorium staff or returned to the family. Families are usually asked their wishes at the time of the arrangement. If families ask for the metal residue, the only parts that are recognisable are artificial joints, as they can stand the intense heat.

This blog, like my others, is meant to provide food for thought. Your Funeral Director is there to support you with informed choices and advice.

Funeral Flowers

The choice here is obviously down to the family – I would just like to run through some of the options.

At the point of arranging a funeral, the Funeral Director will usually ask the family if they require assistance in this matter. The family can use the Funeral Directing service to choose their requirements, usually from a brochure, and the payment will be included in the final funeral invoice. Alternatively, they may recommend a florist that they work with on a regular basis. If families have their own florist that they are happy with, I would normally recommend them to stick with what they know.

Some families, if they are struggling with loss, prefer to give the organising to someone else and really appreciate the professional involvement.

The majority of florists do funeral flowers and have brochures and price lists available. Local florists may deliver free of charge but a small charge may apply so don’t forget to check. The flowers can’t be ordered until the funeral is booked (day and time). A delivery time for the flowers can then be organised and the delivery location set.

Flowers can go to the deceased’s house, the funeral home or the funeral venue. They can also be collected by family members at a time to suit them.

The majority of funeral services in my area tend to include cremation. Main flowers travel on the coffin on its journey to the service. In a lot of instances, families request ‘Family flowers only’ and ask for donations in lieu of the flowers to go to a chosen charity. This is also sometimes the case with burials.

It is usually just the flowers on the top of the coffin that are taken into the church or cremation chapel. The Funeral Director will follow the family’s instructions and advise according to the establishment’s rules. Special tributes may be placed on the catafalque or the floor.

Following the service, if a cremation has been requested, the flowers are displayed and are then either removed by the family or left on display in the crematorium grounds.

Flowers displayed may be moved the following day to another area, depending on the crematorium setup. If left at the crematorium, they are usually disposed of within a week to make room for new funerals.

In the case of burials, the flowers will be displayed graveside for the completion of the service, usually on green matting. When the mourners have left, the grave is filled in and any flowers are arranged by the grave diggers upon the grave. It is up to the family to dispose of the flowers when they have deteriorated and most cemeteries provide metal bins for this purpose.

The choice of what arrangements people can have is vast. Gone are the days from the past when wreaths of laurels and lilies were the traditional funeral flowers. It must be said that not everyone chooses to have flowers. Budget may also come into play and costs can range from about £3 for a single flower to many thousands of pounds especially if the family plan to decorate the church.

Let us look at some possibilities starting with the more common:

• Casket sprays. These can be double or single ended in whatever colour(s) the family want. Particular flowers can be requested but, bear in mind that this may add to the cost. Flowers in season provide the best value for money. Size can vary considerably from a couple feet long to a full coffin top.

• Bouquets. A lot of the above applies. I would always recommend open bouquets and limited wrapping so you can actually see the flowers. Cellophane tends to steam up. The advantage of bouquets is that they are more versatile after the funeral – for example, they could be taken home and placed in vases.

• Named tributes. This may be, for example, ‘MUM’, ‘DAD’, a person’s name etc., usually with a chrysanthemum or open flower base. Florists usually charge by the letter. This type of arrangement does not travel on top of the coffin but is placed at the back or sides of the hearse deck. At the service, they may be taken in but are not normally placed on top of the coffin. Discuss this aspect of placement with the Funeral Director. If a burial has been chosen, the tribute would be placed on the filled grave. In the case of cremation, there is little that can be done with the arrangement afterwards unless the family wish to remove it to their own garden or a family grave.

• Religious tributes. These are not as popular as they used to be, but would include such things as crosses, wreaths, pearly gates, angels etc.

• Tributes that represent the deceased’s interests or work connections. These can be anything you like. Some examples I have seen are; fire engine, rugby ball, football pitch, cricket bat, dog, cat, teddy bear, butterfly, spanner and guitar.

• Single flowers. Some people choose to have a single flower from a loved one or single flowers placed on the coffin by mourners. Single flowers devoid of plastic can normally stay with the coffin through the cremation process if it is requested. Some families have a last act of placing flowers at the end of the service both at the crematorium and after final prayers at the graveside. Flowers can been thrown into the grave as well as or instead of soil.

As I have said, flowers are a very personal thing, but I hope this blog post has helped you.

Vehicles and Routes

How many vehicles do you require and what route do you want the cortège to take? – 12 January 2018?

Please note: cortège refers to the hearse and any following vehicles.

In the past, families tended to repeat the Funeral arrangements their relatives had used – the same funeral director, the same style of coffin, the same number of vehicles etc. Nowadays, there are many more choices available and there is a more relaxed attitude to what is possible.

The most commonly booked funeral vehicles were a motorised hearse and one limousine to take the main family mourners to the service. More limousines were used in the case of large families and/or a larger budget

What Vehicles?

Today, the majority still book a motorised hearse. This transports the coffin, the flowers,  the Funeral Director and the coffin bearers. Standard limousines take a maximum of six passengers behind the drivers screen, but some Funeral Directors may be able to make the seventh seat (the one next to the driver) available to a family member (this needs to be arranged prior to the day of the funeral). For insurance reasons, children are considered to be full passengers and child seats must be provided by the family if necessary.

Different Funeral Directors have different vehicle availability. Some are able to provide estate or saloon cars or minibuses (eight seater plus) type vehicles which are cheaper than a limousine. This may be a welcome alternative if families do not wish to be so formal or are on a tight budget – it’s worth enquiring.

Some families decide they do not wish to be driven and prefer to take their own vehicles. There are advantages and disadvantages to this and, obviously, it is the family’s choice.

If families elect to drive themselves, they can still follow the hearse if they wish. Alternatively, they can meet it at its destination. Some Funeral Directors even have markers (such as a black flag or signs for the back windows) that following cars can use to identify them and help keep the cortège together. Failing that, following cars may be asked to use headlights to indicate to other road users that they are part of the cortège.

The advantage of booking a limousine is that mourners don’t have to worry about driving if they are upset and they can stay close to their loved one in the hearse. The route is planned by the Funeral Director and a door-to-door service is provided. The Funeral Director is also on hand to organise parking and answer any questions.

If a funeral car is booked, it will collect the family, take them to the service then return them afterwards either home or to the catering venue. In the latter case, the family then need to make their own way home either by taxi, friends or a car left by them prior to the service.

Sometimes, the cortège can include a special vehicle related to the life of the deceased, usually organised by friends or work colleagues, such as a fire engine, farm tractor, horse rider or a motorcycle convoy.

It is a personal choice but there has been a trend towards hearse-only funerals with families travelling under their own steam (this is certainly cheaper). If this is the case, the family have their vehicles on hand for returning home or to a venue after the service. Families also tend to be more geographically dispersed than in past times, and they may be travelling from different parts of the country or even different countries, so this option may be more practical.

The tradition has been to leave from the deceased address to proceed slowly from the home, usually with the Funeral Director walking in front of the hearse as a mark of respect. This is not always possible if the house has been emptied, the road is dangerous or the deceased lived in care.

Families are asked to choose how the coffin will be transported when they arrange the funeral. As mentioned previously, a motorised hearse is the most popular choice, but other vehicles can be used. These are just a few examples:

• Estate car – some budget or DIY funerals
• A horse-drawn hearse – pulled by two or four black or white horses
• Motorcycle hearse – for motorbike enthusiasts
• Flat bedded trucks – some traveller funerals
• Tractors with trailers

In fact, families can be quite ingenious in providing vehicles appropriate to the deceased. The conditions are that the vehicle must be roadworthy and such that it is possible to load, secure and unload the coffin safely.

Obviously there may be cost implications.

What Route?

The Funeral Director will normally ask the family if they wish the cortège to take a specific route to the service. For example, past a previous residence, a football ground, favourite pub etc. It may be possible to pause for a few moments or slow down at a special landmark.

It is important that the family make their own choices. They may not have any preferences or they may not realise that they can ask to make things a bit more special.

Postscript

All your requirements and requests should be discussed when you arrange the funeral. I hope this blog helps you consider the options that you have so that you can have the funeral YOU want for your loved one.

Music at funeral services

 - originally published December 30, 2017

Here I will address the questions: “What happens about music?” and “How long does the service take?”

I am looking at these two questions together as they impact on each other.

Obviously, there are great variances depending on where you elect to have your funeral service.

The short answer for a funeral service slot at the crematorium (usually 40 minutes), is that you have a 20 minute service. Normally, people choose up to three tracks of pre-recorded music, one to go into the chapel, one to leave and the one in the middle. The middle piece could be a hymn or popular music to listen to (for reflection on the deceased’s life) or even to sing along with.

Now for more details of both crematorium services and church services.

Full Service at the Crematorium

When a full service is held at a crematorium (whether it is religiously based or not) a time slot is allocated by the bereavement authority.

In the past, a standard slot was 30 minutes for a piece of music in entry and one on exit and a 15 minute service. The problem was, if the service did not start on time or if it ran over or the mourners did not leave promptly at the end, a backlog was created. Families and crematorium staff were put under pressure.

To ease this burden, most authorities increased the slots to 40 minutes. This is true of my local authorities, Wakefield, Leeds and Kirklees.

The new full slots allow 10 minutes to enter and listen to the entry music, 20 minutes for the service (which can include a middle piece of music) and 10 minutes to listen to the exit music and leave the chapel. Staff then prepare the chapel for the next service as funerals are booked back-to-back.

If funerals run over the allotted time, the authority has the right to levy a fine. If one slot (40 minutes) is not enough time, a double slot can be booked at an extra cost. This is cheaper than the fine!

Different crematoria have different provisions for music. See ‘Music during the funeral service’. The internet systems are very proficient but you will need both the title of the piece and the artist to give to your funeral director. The music chosen must also be in the public domain.

I have also written a separate blog on multimedia facilities at crematoria (which includes music and/or visuals). You can find it here.

Church Services

If the service is to be held in a church or private venue, the time is governed by that establishment. Also, if the deceased had church connections this may involve more pageantry – such as choirs, flag-bearers etc.

Most church services are approximately 20-30 minutes. The standard service usually includes 2 or 3 hymns which may be replaced by popular music if the church allows this and has those facilities.

If a full Catholic mass is involved, church time will be 45-60 minutes. The Catholic service tends to be much more rigid and usually only includes hymns. If a mass is opted for, more hymns can be included.

Not all churches can provide an organist and some use the internet to provide digital versions of the hymns.

If the family want live music, a choir can sometimes be provided at a cost, though this is quite rare. If the deceased’s family or friends would like to provide live music, it is usually welcomed.

The minister will liaise with your funeral director to sort out the timings allowing time to chat outside the church after the funeral.

Following the church service, the deceased is taken for burial or cremation. Families can choose to accompany the deceased for the committal. Some opt to have the committal in church and do not accompany the deceased.

If the committal is to take place at a graveside, it is normally just prayers but I have known families provide their own music on portable players. Alternatively, if a crematorium is chosen, families have a time slot included in the service provision and it is normal to have recorded music played on entry and on leaving the chapel.

If families also want a middle piece of music, this is possible and will extend the time of the committal. Normally, this part of a church service is quite short.