Individuals cope with loss in their own way and in their own
time. Special times of year like Christmas and other anniversaries of special
times in the bereaved person’s life can emphasize the loss and acute feelings
of grief can return.
It may be a certain smell, or a visit to a favourite place
or just the meeting of loved ones and the memory of happier times. Grief returns
in ‘waves’ if you like, even though the individual may feel that it has been
put behind them.
The loss of a partner where a strong close bond has existed
is often the hardest to bear, especially when a couple have been devoted to
each other.
There is no magical answer on how to cope, and what may help
someone may be of no use at all to someone else. The closer to the death event,
the more acute the feelings of loss. The inability to deal with life and other
people’s happiness can be overwhelming.
The general population getting into the Christmas spirit or
other family members and friends wanting to get on with life at the normal pace
can well result in feelings of total isolation and indeed panic.
Here are a few tips, one or more of which might help at any
time when grief becomes overwhelming.
- Anxiety can cause you to hold your
breath which in turn depletes your body of oxygen. If you catch yourself doing
this, ‘just breathe’ – sounds simple doesn’t it? Just sit and become aware of
your breathing and try to do so slowly.
The theory is that the oxygen slows the heart and lowers blood pressure which makes you more relaxed. It can give you a sense of calm.
If you want to take if further, look into relaxing and different breathing techniques (yoga and meditation etc). - Being busy allows you to re-focus. Ideally,
this would be on something that requires coordination like baking, DIY or
crafts. Things to take your mind off grief will mean you are less likely to
dwell on the past. If you are able to join in social activities with others it
may also give you a break from grieving thoughts. Remember, if you continually
decline invitations, you will stop being asked.
- Don’t pretend everything is okay when
it’s not. Acknowledge you are grieving and incorporate the loss. One example
would be to take the opportunity to attend a memorial service and to perhaps
light a candle for your loved one. Talk openly with family and friends as this also
gives them permission to talk about the dead person so that you both can
benefit.
- Sharing memories and including humour
and happy memories are a wonderful way to heal. It is not a betrayal of a loved
one if you laugh or smile, it simply brings people together and eases pain.
- Seeking help first requires you to
realise that you need help. People
rarely know how to handle grief and don’t know how they can help. They need to be
told what you would find helpful.
- If you need space say so, if you want to
go for a coffee with a friend tell them, if you don’t feel like cooking ask a
friend to go for a meal with you or accept their offer to cook for you, stay
over for a change of scene. If you want a hug ask for one. In other words be
honest and let willing friends share the grief.
- The importance of talking can’t be emphasized enough. It doesn’t have to be about the deceased, it can be your thoughts and feelings. If you don’t have anyone to talk to, look into joining a self-help group for grief support or seek therapy (your GP is usually the first point of call). A safe space to share feelings and support from people who understand a measure of what you are going through can be invaluable.
When you lose someone
close, things will never be the same again. But you do not have to suffer every
Christmas – honour your loved one’s memory and find comfort in the people you
have around you.